Other than experience and knowledge, balance and a support system are the aspects I struggle with the most. I mentioned in WWL 4 how I overextend and sacrifice myself especially for my work and family. It is also sorta funny that without previewing the content, I am blending so many of the topics throughout the course. They are all so interconnected to me, but maybe also to women in general. So much of my identity has been wrapped up in being a mom/partner as well as an educator and now I feel like I have to rediscover who I am. Hearing Sheena talk about her health scare was a real eye opener for me.
When my daughter was between 2-4, my husband would take her to work and I would pick her up. This freed up my mornings to do things that helped my wellbeing. I love the book Miracle Morning and would practice that often. I would swim two days a week because I love being in the water. I did this for about a 1.5 years and was finally starting feel like myself again when some horrendous personal situations happened at the same time covid was happening. This last semester at work has also been very traumatic. The aftermath of all of those things are still ongoing. I’ve got to figure out the ways to navigate that so that I am still intact and thriving!
Over the years, I have had several knee, shoulder, hip, wrist, and ankle injuries that often halt my progress and then trying to get back at it has been a hurdle. I have NOT taken the time to heal them properly and keep up with the things I love because I do not feel I have the time to take 2 hours out of my day, door to door, to get the help I need. This past year has been one of the worst personally and professionally.
I’ve been fighting with everything fiber of my being to just keep a float.
Routines To Continuing To Develop
- Gratitude
- Writing
- Movement
- Mediation
- Reading
- Bullet Journaling
- Organizing My Day
- Set and Stick To Boundaries
- Ask For Help
- Maintain Friendships
- Affirmations
- Eat Healthy
Routines To Ditch
- Overthinking
- Allowing Situations To Fester
- Guilt and Shame
- Not Being Vulnerable Or Trusting Of Others
- Perfectionist Habits
WellBeing
Gonna ditch the word ‘balance’ and replace it with wellbeing. Really what I have learned from listening to others, that also resonates with my dislike of the word in terms of a career, is that it is really about wellbeing. In order to take care of others, I have to take care of myself. I KNOW this. Yet, the “put my oxygen mask on before putting an oxygen mask on others” has been wrapped with guilt and shame. I am absolutely a better mom, partner, educator, and member of society when I have time to do things that make me happy.
It’s a struggle for me because I don’t have the privilege of hiring someone to do it for me or the community/family support because I live abroad. To make things even a bit more difficult is that my daughter and I have food allergies and cannot eat anything made with gluten or dairy. The lack of knowledge around this and difficulty of finding a single dish or products that doesn’t contain this, means that almost every meal is made at home. I have to prepare breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner for my family. I love to cook, as does my husband, and bake but when it is a daily necessity for almost every meal, I get exhausted and overwhelmed by this one task on top of all the other mom tasks. Also, access to foods that we can prepare gets very tricky too!
Modeling
I do tell my students that if you email me after 18:00, I may not answer it. I need to be a bit more strict with that for myself. I need to start with them and practice what I will be expecting others as I move into more leadership positions. I often have them write out their schedule and use that as a way to prioritize what they need to do. Most of this work stems from being the PP Coordinator and they need to work on their self-management skills. I loved hearing from women who made it a point to give their teams permission to turn it off. As an aspiring leader, I want to push and push and push to show my talents. I know it isn’t sustainable for me to continue this as I have seen the future if I don’t make those decisions for myself. It is so much more powerful when the organization and the leaders behind it actually care too.
Unrealistic Expectations of Women
Regardless of the title or career, women are expected to do it all. As a parent, who has chosen to only have one child, I’m constantly in that first time mom position. I have to work against my own flaws to be sure I do not instill my fears, guilt, self-doubt as parent, and my insecurities.
I can be an effective person for all my roles and that includes being a wonderful leader! Cringing at the things that people, INCLUDING WOMEN, say to working women that permeates a destructive cycle that causes women to be exhausted trying to live up to expectations that no man has ever had to live up.
In the article “ Harmony and Help: Recognizing the Impact of Work-Life Balance for Women Leaders,” it states exactly what women need, “Women are better able to develop their unique leadership identity and successfully address their leadership role obligations when they learn from and experience supportive environments and are offered opportunities to balance their diverse obligations.” Having a support system is key! I struggle with this as it requires me to be vulnerable and ask for help. With the nature of international schools means a certain amount of turnover, it can sometimes feel like every time I am part of system, it cannot withstand the goodbyes. My friends and I do OK at keeping in touch but it isn’t the same living in so many different time zones.
OMG! THIS. IS. MY. LIFE! The Bazaar article “Women Aren’t Nags—We’re Just Fed Up,” speaks so much truth! Emotional labor is not a new term for me per say, but I was reminded of how often I discussed with people and not remembering to name it. For me, it is not limited to maintaining the home especially as someone who works in education. My emotional labor gets expended at school as well.
In “Emotional Labor: The MetaFilter Thread Condensed,” it discusses that even good men don’t really get it! “But he does not understand the value of emotional labour, because he has never had to do it except when by choice, and he does not understand the consequences of neglecting that labour, because he is not the one who suffers them…But he is deeply and willfully blind in this area. He (like many men) is convinced that engaging in an emotional economy is voluntary, because for him it always has been.” Men often have the option to choose while women often are not afforded that luxury.
Harvard Business Review’s article “What’s Really Holding Women Back?,” describes the discrepancy between the oversimplified narrative concerning career and family with the “crushing culture of overworking…The unnecessarily long hours were detrimental to everyone, we explained, but they disproportionately penalized women because, unlike men, many of them take accommodations, which exact a steep career price.”
I’m very curious about women who want both. I am extremely driven AND I want to be a present mother and partner. However, trying to keep up with both aspects equally has left me filled with the fictional a guilt ridden, shameful, self-doubt narrative that requires a lot of energy for me to fight against. Why do I allow the narrative to be told and then fight back? I’m learning to interrupt and disrupt those thoughts with ones that show TRUTH about who I am in all my roles!
Showing Up For Me
I love Yoga with Adriene and her phrase, “Find what feels good.” If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I would ever have liked any sort of yoga as my previous experiences were just holding poses. The women all spoke about how personal wellbeing is and how, like every aspect of education, “one size does not fit all.” I need to pour into myself the same way I pour into my work and my family. I’ve read so many personal growth books which illustrate about how I would never cancel appointments I have with others the way I cancel on myself. It’s so true!
I’m important enough to keep all the appointments I make with myself.
Ms. Marcum's Mission 